Happy? Mother's Day

As my first Mother’s Day without my mother approaches, I have many emotions. I am being inundated with ads for what I should buy my mother, through email, google, USPS mail and the television. These are constant reminders that I cannot buy her a gift or celebrate with her this year. I spent this past weekend preparing for an estate sale rather than planning a day of celebration. There is sadness and grief that I know many of you are also experiencing.

I will share a few of my usual suggestions for this day, although I admit they feel much different to me this year. Each of us experiences grief differently, so please be kind to yourself and do what makes the most sense for you.

1.     Celebrate with your usual traditions. Still go to the restaurant where you would have taken her, get a manicure if that is where you would have taken her, or do whatever you would have planned. Her legacy can continue with your traditions.

2.     Honor your mother. Spend some time honoring your mother and what she meant to you. There are many options for this. You could go to the cemetery, plant flowers like you used to do with her, cook her favorite meal, donate in her name to her favorite charity, attend a church service and pray for her, post a social media tribute, or write her a letter or a card. Many people can find healing through writing about their thoughts and feelings.

3.     Have a celebration with your siblings. You may be used to having a Mother’s Day celebration with your siblings. This is still an appropriate choice. Spending time together sharing memories and telling stories can be therapeutic. Talking to someone who shares your grief can make it easier to express your emotions.

4.     Let your family celebrate you. If you are a mother yourself, let your family celebrate you and start new traditions. Think about what you would like to do with your children to enjoy the day.

5.     Consider self-care. This is different for each of us.  You could choose to sleep late, take a candle-lit bubble bath, go for a long walk, or read a book. Remember that you do not have to celebrate on this day if that is not right for this stage of your grief journey. It is ok to do nothing at all, and it is okay if you want to sit and cry. Please be kind to yourself.

Do not let the media try to tell you what they think is “right” or expected to do on this day. Acknowledge your feelings and emotions. I will be distracted over the weekend by my son’s college graduation, and this time will be focused on him.  However, I will definitely be missing my mother and wishing she were there to see the graduation.  I will find time to honor her using a combination of some of the suggestions above.

As I write this and think of memories of my mother, I recall how she wrote stories that would be considered blogs now, although she was published in newspapers, not on the web. My favorite story that she had published was about our large family and how each one of us contributed to what made us a family. When I was a child, she would come upstairs every night to pray with me and tuck me in bed. Every night as she descended the stairs, I would tell her the same thing, and she ended her article with my words. Now that she has gone to join my father in heaven, I believe it is appropriate to conclude here with those same words. “I love you Mommy and tell Daddy I love him too.”

About the author: Jenny Mertes serves as our Community Service Director. Any opinions expressed here are hers and hers alone, and may or may not reflect the opinions of other staff members.